Master and Pupil

June 8, 2012

Socrates: What is a tautology?

Pupil: A tautology is a self evident statement. The truth value of a tautology is always true.

Socrates: Excellent. Can you give me an example of a tautology?

Pupil: Water is wet.

Socrates: Nice try. But you are incorrect.

Pupil: Water isn’t wet?

Socrates: Not when it’s temperature is beneath zero degrees celcius or above 100 degrees celcius.

Pupil: And my mother pays you for this?

Socrates: My hourly rate just went up.


Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’ 2

May 31, 2012

Socrates: Good Cleric! Good day to you!

Cleric: We will not stand for this, so called man of wisdom!

Socrates: What? Sarcasm so early in the day? Have you no time for pleasantries? Morning is a time for friendship, camaraderie, and love!

Cleric: We will not stand for this.

Socrates: Very well. You wish to engage me in debate? It’s one of my favorite pastimes. What are you talking about?

Cleric: I hear you try to turn the people away from religion and faith. You teach them to worship science and wickedness. You teach them logic.

Socrates: Well, this isn’t the first time I’ve been accused of corrupting the belief in the Old Gods. I guess what goes around comes around. But I’m confused . . .

Cleric: God protects me. The whispers of Satan that slip from your poisoned tongue cannot corrupt me.

Socrates: Such flattery. I admire your use of alliteration and metaphor. You say “We will not stand for this.” Can you clarify what you mean?

Cleric: We will not stand for what you do.

Socrates: Ah. I think I understand now. But because we have an audience, and because they might be unfamiliar with euphemism, could you simplify your sentence?

Cleric: I sense a snare of Satan. What do you mean?

Socrates: I am a simple man, I prefer plain speech. Your statement uses future tense — “we will” — combined with a negation of a euphemism — “not stand for” — combined with an obscure reference to “what I do.”

Cleric: God protect me.

Socrates: God protect us all. Can you please simplify your statment into a simpler sentence structure, as in Subject – Verb – Object.

Cleric: Syntax is a tool of Satan.

Socrates: Noam Chomsky doesn’t think so.

Cleric: Who is Noam Chomsky?

Socrates: Never mind. Anyway, can you please indulge me and convert your sentence to a simpler structure.

Cleric: I was never strong in grammar.

Socrates: Clearly. Please convert “We will” to simple present tense.

Cleric: We . . .

Socrates: Please convert “not stand for” to a simple verb. Don’t worry it’s not that hard.

Cleric: Uhhh. Umm. Let’s see. How about “oppose?”

Socrates: You’re doing great! You’re not as ignorant as you thought you were. Now here’s the hard part. What is it that I do that you actually oppose?

Cleric: We oppose . . . We oppose . . . We oppose . . .

Socrates: Calm down. You’re doing fine. I’m a very patient teacher.

Cleric: We oppose . . . We oppose . . . We oppose education.

Socrates: Perfect! I see! Then it’s no wonder you’re a Cleric.

Old World meets New 1, 01

May 27, 2012

Lackey: Bishop of Rome! Vicar of Jesus Christ! Prince of the Apostles, and Primate of Italy! The Cardinal needs an audience.

Pope: Give me 10 minutes. I’m not done with this altar boy yet.

. . .

Pope: Ahh. That’s better. Send in the Cardinal.

Cardinal: Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church! Pederast in Chief! I have ill tidings!

Pope: Cut the crap. Do we have another sex scandal to cover up?

Cardinal: Worse, I’m afraid. The people of the world have finally learned that knowledge is preferable to ignorance.

Pope: What? Impossible. Where could they have learned such a heretical lie?

Cardinal: We’re not sure yet. It has something to do with some pagan idea of the Earth Mother.

Pope: Oh. It’s just some New Age bullshit then. I wouldn’t worry about it. We killed the sacred feminine long ago . . .

Cardinal: The people, it seems, have resurrected the idea. Along with the idea of Christ.

Pope: Wait. Christ was resurrected, and I wasn’t informed?

Cardinal: I didn’t say that Christ was resurrected, Supreme Pederast, I said the “idea” of Christ has been resurrected. And linked to the concept of love, which has been linked to the concept of wisdom, which has been opposed to the concept of ignorance which has been linked to the concept of Satan.

Pope: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s all this about concepts. You think I’m interested in Philosophy and education? How could I afford this much bling on a teacher’s salary?

Cardinal: That is what seems to be the problem, Papi. The people of the world have finally realized that intelligence is preferable to servitude.

Pope: You’re boring me. Bring me a choir boy!

For love of land between the shining seas

May 26, 2012

My country tis of thee! Sweet land of “liberty!”

Of thee I sing! Land where my fathers died!

Land of the Genocide!

From every mountainside, let freedom be


. . .

Old World meets New 1, 00

May 26, 2012

Adviser: Master, the people of the world are revolting.

Tyrant: I know. They’re disgusting, aren’t they.

Adviser: Yes, they are, sir. But that’s not what I mean.

Tyrant: You mean, revolting as in capital R, as in French Revolution?

Adviser: Yes, sir.

Tyrant: Then kill them.

Adviser: We can’t.

Tyrant: I can kill anyone I want.

Adviser: Yes, sir. You’re the Executive. But it looks like a peaceful revolution.

Tyrant: Peace? What’s that? Oh, peace! That’s right. I forgot about the Nobel Peace Prize.

Adviser: Yes Master, it was that symbolic gesture you were given because you’re not quite white.

Tyrant: Watch it. I can flay you alive.

Adviser: But then who would be your jester?

Tyrant: Good point. So you say this is a peaceful revolution?

Adviser: Yes, sir.

Tyrant: Than what are you so hot and bothered about? Peace is powerless.

Adviser: Gandhi didn’t think so.

Tyrant: How many more nukes do we have than India?

Adviser: I’m glad your reputation of being a size queen sits on a firm . . .

Tyrant: What’s so revolutionary about this so called revolution?

Adviser: Well, it’s been going on for about 3 days. It’s world wide, it seems. And all it involves is the people singing and chanting to each other from their own homes.

Tyrant: A world wide peaceful revolution? Impossible.

Adviser: History seems to agree with you.

Tyrant: Wait, and what did you say? Singing and chanting? From their own homes!?

Adviser: Yes, sir.

Tyrant: What are they chanting.

Adviser: God is Good; Ignorance is Evil.

Tyrant: I’m not ignorant!

Adviser: Of course you’re not ignorant, Master. You’re a constitutional law professor.

Tyrant: The saps who voted for me, however . . .

Adviser: Good one, sir.

Tyrant: And some of them thought my predecessor was a moron.

Adviser: Yes, well, they voted him into office, too. They hoped you’d be different.

Tyrant: I don’t want to think about him. I’m the head honcho know. That’s all that matters.

Adviser: Quite a profound change, indeed.

Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’ 1

May 21, 2012

A Christian enters the room wearing an enormous bling crucifix and sits down to eat.

I ask him “Who was Socrates?”

He cannot answer the question.

Master and Slave

May 20, 2012

Socrates: What is a question?

Pupil: Yes it is.

Socrates: Cute. A question is a request from one person to another, or to a group of people, to illicit knowledge and information that the requester does not yet have.

Pupil: Has anyone ever told you you’re pedantic?

Socrates: I’ve been told I’m a pedagogue.

Pupil: What’s a pedagogue?

Socrates: Ask your mother when she picks you up after class.